i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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