No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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