Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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