The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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