under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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