What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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