After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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