you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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