I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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