Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
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He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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