Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
