I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
