you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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