her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Come share oat with me in your robe
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
