Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have fence marks all over my body
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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