I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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