There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
