Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
