...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
