Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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