Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize