Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
