____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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