we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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