Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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