Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
