I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
