Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
