if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She needs sedatives and a leash
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
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Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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