I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
