I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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