Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
