I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
