He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
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You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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