im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
