my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
