It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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