This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
