i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
