I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We're too hungover to prance.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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