I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
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He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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