Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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