No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
