My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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