i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
