If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
