life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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