Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
