Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
