God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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