just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
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Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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