I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
