eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
