Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
