this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
