I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
