Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
