I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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