I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
