She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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